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Writings by Hanaki-chan

Poetree by incense-whiskers

Writing by Venry


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Submitted on
June 11, 2012
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(a) when I was young I was a robin that stole the eggs from another's nest.
fitted upon my stare there was a warning –
personal's too personal for me, well i
would not use wings if i had 'em.


a child of rye with a silhouette spoiled by the sun, I was, I am.

and sometimes I see some vengeful sparrows still under my fingernails;
their glistening beaks snap melodies that rib a hundred bird-bone cages,
so light you could blow 'em away with a twist of your lungs.

and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,
do not think of
them,
but they rattle between bone and flesh and I
drown them sometimes when I sing.

(b) oh, you:
"love is a hobby like anything else, and I no longer have the time."

she asks me what I'm writing:
I am constructing a corpse can't you hear
me as I speak the meaning out of my name and



you bleed like I smile:
slowly, and without malice.

does the title seem too detached? (i'm always insecure about titles, they're one of my weakest spots imo.) do a and b seem relevant enough to each other? favorite/least favorite lines? any other feedback is helpful, as well!

link to critique, for the written revolution: [link]

EDIT: oh wowow, my first DD!! thank you so much, I'll try to reply to every comment as best I can.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-25
in the seams by ~IOwnSarcasm ( Suggested by UnspecifiedUnknown and Featured by thorns )
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013   Writer
This is absolutely fantastic.
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:iconsamestripes:
SameStripes Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
love this!
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:iconhitori--sama:
Hitori--sama Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Digital Artist
This is fantastic. I have always enjoyed creative writing and poetry, though I am nowhere near the level you are at, though I strive to be able to capture things as beautifully as you did. This is gorgeous, and as a music composer who primarily writes texts for my music, I think this would make a fantastic musical text if you were ever to attempt to do so with it. Once again: It is stunning :)
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:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
the musical text part is such a big compliment, thank you love! :hug:
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:iconhitori--sama:
Hitori--sama Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Digital Artist
It is my pleasure, dear! :heart:
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:iconanawkwardblue:
AnAwkwardBlue Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I like the way your poem is fitted together, it's like a mobile with strings attached to each stanza, they blow and shift when read aloud.
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:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, wow, that mobile image is beautiful. thank you :heart:
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:iconshunsuixnanaofan101:
shunsuixnanaofan101 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I really did enjoy this poem.

Like the many other commenters before me, I loved that stanza,

and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,
do not think of
them,
but they rattle between bone and flesh and I
drown them sometimes when I sing.

The way you can read that, quietly, alone in your room, sounds fantastic. The words roll off your tongue deliciously and you can hear every single nuance. It's beautiful.

I remember myself thinking about the first few lines of the poem, and of robins and their eggs and thinking that perhaps you meant cuckoo birds, which, if I remember correctly, will replace the eggs in another bird's nest with their own.

For that matter, I am still unsure about its importance in the story itself, pertaining to the species.

But still - there are many times in which I, a reader, cannot even begin to understand the complexity of poetry or prose, but appreciate it all the same.

The wording is wonderful and perfect - "jailed" is a perfect way to use that word in a stanza; the "j" sound, I'm beginning to realize, isn't all that prominent in poetry - and some of the phrases are ones that could invoke another poem altogether, using those lines, had it not been plagiarism.

"love is a hobby like anything else, and I no longer have the time."

or,

"you bleed like I smile:
slowly, and without malice"

Thank you for such a beautiful piece of poetry, such a poem that left me silent and pondering after the words had faded away but resounded in my head.

Thank you.
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much! :heart:
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:iconkallios:
Kallios Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Wow, this is... it's hard to understand, but I'm beginning to do so and what I see amazes me in its complexity. Great job.

The title actually does seem a little bit detached, but only slightly. It works just fine as it is, though there is room for improvement.
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