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(a) when I was young I was a robin that stole the eggs from another's nest.
fitted upon my stare there was a warning –
personal's too personal for me, well i
would not use wings if i had 'em.


a child of rye with a silhouette spoiled by the sun, I was, I am.

and sometimes I see some vengeful sparrows still under my fingernails;
their glistening beaks snap melodies that rib a hundred bird-bone cages,
so light you could blow 'em away with a twist of your lungs.

and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,
do not think of
them,
but they rattle between bone and flesh and I
drown them sometimes when I sing.

(b) oh, you:
"love is a hobby like anything else, and I no longer have the time."

she asks me what I'm writing:
I am constructing a corpse can't you hear
me as I speak the meaning out of my name and



you bleed like I smile:
slowly, and without malice.

does the title seem too detached? (i'm always insecure about titles, they're one of my weakest spots imo.) do a and b seem relevant enough to each other? favorite/least favorite lines? any other feedback is helpful, as well!

link to critique, for the written revolution: [link]

EDIT: oh wowow, my first DD!! thank you so much, I'll try to reply to every comment as best I can.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-25
in the seams by ~IOwnSarcasm ( Suggested by UnspecifiedUnknown and Featured by thorns )
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2013   Writer
This is absolutely fantastic.
Reply
:iconsamestripes:
SameStripes Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Student Writer
love this!
Reply
:iconhitori--sama:
Hitori--sama Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Digital Artist
This is fantastic. I have always enjoyed creative writing and poetry, though I am nowhere near the level you are at, though I strive to be able to capture things as beautifully as you did. This is gorgeous, and as a music composer who primarily writes texts for my music, I think this would make a fantastic musical text if you were ever to attempt to do so with it. Once again: It is stunning :)
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
the musical text part is such a big compliment, thank you love! :hug:
Reply
:iconhitori--sama:
Hitori--sama Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Digital Artist
It is my pleasure, dear! :heart:
Reply
:iconanawkwardblue:
AnAwkwardBlue Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I like the way your poem is fitted together, it's like a mobile with strings attached to each stanza, they blow and shift when read aloud.
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh, wow, that mobile image is beautiful. thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconshunsuixnanaofan101:
shunsuixnanaofan101 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
I really did enjoy this poem.

Like the many other commenters before me, I loved that stanza,

and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,
do not think of
them,
but they rattle between bone and flesh and I
drown them sometimes when I sing.

The way you can read that, quietly, alone in your room, sounds fantastic. The words roll off your tongue deliciously and you can hear every single nuance. It's beautiful.

I remember myself thinking about the first few lines of the poem, and of robins and their eggs and thinking that perhaps you meant cuckoo birds, which, if I remember correctly, will replace the eggs in another bird's nest with their own.

For that matter, I am still unsure about its importance in the story itself, pertaining to the species.

But still - there are many times in which I, a reader, cannot even begin to understand the complexity of poetry or prose, but appreciate it all the same.

The wording is wonderful and perfect - "jailed" is a perfect way to use that word in a stanza; the "j" sound, I'm beginning to realize, isn't all that prominent in poetry - and some of the phrases are ones that could invoke another poem altogether, using those lines, had it not been plagiarism.

"love is a hobby like anything else, and I no longer have the time."

or,

"you bleed like I smile:
slowly, and without malice"

Thank you for such a beautiful piece of poetry, such a poem that left me silent and pondering after the words had faded away but resounded in my head.

Thank you.
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much! :heart:
Reply
:iconkallios:
Kallios Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Wow, this is... it's hard to understand, but I'm beginning to do so and what I see amazes me in its complexity. Great job.

The title actually does seem a little bit detached, but only slightly. It works just fine as it is, though there is room for improvement.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   General Artist
Oh! Oh! This is just such a marvelous read! :love:
The last lines sent me a chill, they did. Excellent and well-deserved DD, lovely creature! :clap:
Reply
:iconphantomsickness:
PhantomSickness Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I couldn't read it. I have serious OCD when it comes to punctuation and such, and this had none.
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :heart:
Have a nice day! : )
Reply
:icona7xerforever:
a7xerfoREVer Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,
do not think of
them,
but they rattle between bone and flesh and I
drown them sometimes when I sing.

complete and utter love for this stanza, it struck me here. *thomps chest* the whole piece is beautiful, though, and the title is what reeled me in, so don't worry 'bout it. (:
Reply
:iconthe-tabby-tiger:
The-Tabby-Tiger Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student General Artist
This is stunning, I particularly like the last lines
"you bleed like I smile:
slowly, and without malice."
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Writer
Congratulations on your DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Angry and eclectic. Congratulations on your D.D!
Reply
:icon520romeo:
520romeo Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
the title was actually what drew me to this piece. i really like it! i think it touches upon the content of the poem very gracefully. i was going through the written revolution's recent deviations over and over. i ended up on this page quite a few times because it seemed really interesting and i wanted to give a decent critique (but i always put off actually writing one because i don't want to sound like a turd :P ). to be honest, the format of the first stanza kind of put me off. i'm personally not a big fan of bolded lines in poetry and too much use of symbols. some is fine, i mean, but most of the time i don't think it's really needed. maybe it works for other people. *shrug.

other than that, i think this is gorgeously crafted. i think the way you chose your words is so carefully done and it just flows so well. i actually love pretty much all the lines :p

yes, i think a and b make a perfect poem together :)

a child of rye with a silhouette spoiled by the sun, I was, I am.

I am constructing a corpse can't you hear
me

:heart:
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconneonsquiggle:
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's beautiful. So, so very beautiful.

No, your title is lovely.
Somewhat, they're relevant to each other.

and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,
do not think of
them,
but they rattle between bone and flesh and I
drown them sometimes when I sing.

This. It's just. It's spectacular. My favorite line. And no least favorite lines, because every word you write is wonderful.

Stay excellent!
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so so much :heart:
Reply
:iconneonsquiggle:
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are so welcome! I love your work. Always beautiful. :hug:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Student Writer
1. The title is fine. I don't see how it's connected to the piece but at the same time it doesn't take anything away or have a negative effect on anything. A lot of writers here on dA seem to like giving their poems titles that only make sense to them and I've always sort of liked that. They always make me wonder if there's a hidden meaning or something.
2. Yes. And they break from the more common 123 or i ii iii, which I appreciated.
3. I loved so much of this, agh, I don't even know where to begin. O_O

but "and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,
do not think of
them,
but they rattle between bone and flesh and I
drown them sometimes when I sing.
"

and "love is a hobby like anything else, and I no longer have the time."

are particularly brilliant. I also liked 'silhouette spoiled by the sun', 'vengeful sparrows', 'twist of your lungs', and 'constructing a corpse'. So many bits and pieces of pretty. And the ending was just lovely. :heart: :clap:
Reply
:iconmothlets:
mothlets Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012   General Artist
i agree with this 100% and unfortunately do not have any further input.
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
aaaaaahhhh thank you so much!! :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Student Writer
No problem! :D
Reply
:icondovethunder:
DoveThunder Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
This is gorgeous. The imagery, blurred snippets of voices in the narration, the a and b format- it's brilliant. I like the title very much. I tend to be insecure about mine as well, but then again mine are either irrelevant or very, very long. xD As I said before, the a and b are a fairly fresh layout, and they come across well. My favorite line..."a child of rye with a silhouette spoiled by the sun, I was, I am." I just can't get over the beauty. I had the most lovely chills and I could only think of Catcher in the Rye and lots of sunsetty things and it was perfect. But the whole poem was really like that, it's a 'twist of the lungs,' I suppose. (I'd never heard breathing phrased like that- and it's a wonderful image). This is one of those poems that I wish I had thought of, I had written. The links to birds and quiet rebuffs fit in well. Wonderful work! :)
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh man thank you! :hug:
Reply
:icondovethunder:
DoveThunder Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
You're very welcome!
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Student Writer
1. I think the title fits well.

2. The first stanza did seem a bit out of place overall on the level of proximity to the narrator of the poem. Overall though, the narration is very consistent. I can see the progression clearly.

3. Favorite: "and there are still words jailed between my teeth and my tongue and I do not speak of,/do not think of /them" The word "jailed" is perfect here! I can't get enough of that imagery and rhythm! :D
Least favorite: "me as I speak the meaning out of my name" seems a bit clunky, but I like the "name" concept behind it. I also didn't understand the note in the first stanza.

Overall, beautiful! :heart: I love it!
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so so much for the helpful words! :heart:
Reply
:iconthybird2-2:
thybird2-2 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
"she asks me what I'm writing:
I am constructing a corpse can't you hear"
absolutly Stunning.
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :hug:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012
"love is a hobby like anything else, and I no longer have the time."

perfect.
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you, and also for the favorite :hug:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012
you're welcome (:
Reply
:iconmomo-madness:
momo-madness Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012   Writer
you bleed like I smile:
slowly, and without malice.

^ chills.

this piece is so descriptive!
Reply
:iconiownsarcasm:
IOwnSarcasm Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! :hug:
Reply
:iconmomo-madness:
momo-madness Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012   Writer
pfft no need to thank me love :aww:
Reply
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